I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We need to get me chipped asap
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
