Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
