why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize