life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We are two peas in an std pod
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
