Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We have started to decorate penises.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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