Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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