My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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