You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
