I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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