some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
