I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
