There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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