i used baking grease as lip gloss
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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