Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
