I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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