giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
