Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
