Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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