question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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