I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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