my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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