a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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