So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
