I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
