Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
