I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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