I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
