i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
