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You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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