i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
