Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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