You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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