She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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