Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
