best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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