If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Randomize
