I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
