I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
