I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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