Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
