Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
