glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
