i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
