I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
