my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Randomize
