Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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