so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
