Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
