just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
