My underwear smells like fireworks.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
